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A Husk and A Shell

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(no subject) [Jun. 11th, 2009|09:29 pm]
A Husk and A Shell
I went to the army surplus today and bought two very large bags. One is the traditional top-loading military duffel in black, it is 30" x 50" and the other is a heavy-duty side zip bag of similar proportions and also black. They are both satisfyingly heavy, their dense material speaks of survivability and sturdiness. "Throw me into the undercarriage of any plane, train, or bus -- I'll be fine!" The seem to confidently proclaim. I want to store my worldly possessions inside them and feel free and portable in the process.

In ten days I leave for Utah for what will be an eight week trip on the shortest end, and the first step in a permanent relocation on the other. I own a travel set of matching suitcase, roller, and carry on that I adore; but they aren't designed for trips of this length. I found that I could fit next to nothing in my hard-shelled suitcase last time I went to Utah for over a month. And let's face it: I wanted to feel like a vagabond in the way only a duffel can make you feel!

In evaluating what I am going to take I find myself sheepishly worrying that I won't be able to fill the bag. I am to the point where I think I will be able to fit all my clothing, art supplies, and keepsakes in one of these bad boys! It is terrifying really when I think of all the things I have pared out of my existence. Sure multiple boxes of childhood mementos and toy collections are staying here in storage at my family's home. And I would be heavier loaded were I forced to travel with them, but I keep those things for a future self who has not yet arrived and generations still intangible.

I recall, over a year ago I said that I would like to get down to one bag for ease of greyhound trips and moving in a small sedan. I think I am at that point. This makes me want to recklessly toss out even more as if I need to put an exclamation mark on the end of whatever point I am proving. But that's just silly. I have shed enough for the sake of a statement or out of desperation. (I will forever miss my phone booth.) If I leave a box or two of silly plastic nonsense I end up tossing a few years down the road so be it. There exists so little in the way of physical record of who I have been over the past two years, let other phases of my life be represented in excess.
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(no subject) [Jun. 7th, 2009|12:08 am]
A Husk and A Shell
Happy things:

my new wool is fantastic.

Jason has gotten to take Peter Fox and done fun daddy/babby things.

I am leaving for Utah soon.

Kai has his computer.

Unhappy things:

Kate got sad and overwhelmed.

I could use a drink.

Kai is sad.
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(no subject) [Jun. 1st, 2009|11:37 am]
A Husk and A Shell
Things making me happy the past few days:



Tuition being paid by my wonderful parents who support me in every endeavor I have and love me for who I am.

I am going back to college in less than a month.

My mother being the perfect hostess. How she opens her home to everyone and shows any stranger respect and consideration has been a milestone in teaching me how to love my fellow man and be a superb entertainer in the process. Also my father stretching his comfort levels and accepting house guests when he doesn't want to; because he doesn't have to but does.

Wool! Both ordering more and spinning what I got. There is now 8 oz (that's a lot) of luminescent icy blue with pink stripes coming my way! Did I mention I got it on sale AND it's superwash?

Jason, because he is always at the back of my mind and the depths of my heart; being a warming and centering source of courage and strength in my life.

My health, the fact that I notice when I haven't taken my pills means I feel better when I do. The fact that I feel exhausted when I don't sleep means I am being rested when I do. This proves to me that I am healing, I am improving, and I am fortunate.

The jeans that I now fit into that I didn't a few months ago. Also, how good said jeans make my ass look. *grin* Maybe I should start wearing pants more to show off this boo-tay?

How long this list is today.
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(no subject) [May. 26th, 2009|01:43 pm]
A Husk and A Shell
Makes me happy:

My cat of 16 years is not only a queen (which is the term for a female cat fyi) but also a matriarch. She rules the house with an iron paw, demanding loves from all human peasants and a wide birth from all other animals she tolerates in her domain. Now don't let this description mislead you. Pim is THE MOST affectionate cat you will meet. I am willing to put money on that. She has loved each stranger that has ever come to our door with the passion and conviction rivaling that of a fifteen year-old girl swooning for Edward Cullen.

But she has been and will always be my cat. Since the beginning, for all the drooly love she would bestow on my family; she would follow me a little more, sleep on my bed, find my lap. The bond between her and me has grown over the years to where she pretty much stays by my side at all times. Thankfully for both of us I am a fairly stationary creature. I craft at my table or sit on my computer. But even when I go out for a swim she will skulk by the side of the pool and when I do my yoga she looks on disapprovingly from the foot of my bed.

Pim has made four cross-country moves with me. And countless more before with the entire family. I am resigned to avoid moving her again until it is absolutely necessary, because at her age the stress is not good. She was a panting vomiting mess on the plane back from NC a year ago and it gave me panic attacks and weeping fits to see her like that. The stewardess was awesome though and let me take Pimmy out of her case and hold her on my lap while in air. I think that's the only reason either of us made it in one piece.

I call her my kitty-mommy. She raised me and has taught me so much over the years. I literally have personality traits and even mannerisms that can be directly traced back to this cat. And it's an honor to resemble her. I have sometimes gotten teased by my family or partner for how much I let Pim push me around. I pick her up and coddle her, give her food or treats, and play the in again our again game at the slightest hint of displeasure from her. I can only say that she has earned it. She has earned more than I can ever hope to give her. And so strive to bestow as much as I can every day.

Also, with her age being what it is, I live every day with her as though it could be our last together. I never want to say to myself, "I didn't get to hug her one last time." Or have a sliver of doubt about whether she was happy or felt loved. So I spoil my cat, but it is one of the most rewarding things I do. And ever time she clings to me or melts into my arms every 2am paw in the face or drool in the ear is made worth it. Few people are blessed enough to have so magnificent a soul enter their lives. I cherish and honor the gift. I love my cat.
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Writer's Block: There Can Be Only One [May. 22nd, 2009|02:43 pm]
A Husk and A Shell
[Tags|, ]

Do you believe in monogamy?

Obviously monogamy exists. It isn't something like Nessie where there isn't proof of it. It's everywhere. It is the standard relationship model for most of the world's cultures. So yes, I believe in monogamy. The underlying question I believe is being asked though is do I believe it works? And again I would say that for some people it is a healthy relationship dynamic; so in that sense I also believe in it. But there is a much more complex answer as well.

I do not believe it is for everyone. Cheating is so prevalent in the world that obviously many people are seeking satisfaction romantically or sexually from more than once source. So why follow a model that makes the act bad and wrong, that hurts you and your partners, when there is another option. Non-monogamy takes many forms, and I believe it is a very under-used relationship model.

I do not mean strictly polyamory, which is a very open term and within itself has tons of styles, but revolves around a common culture. I mean just having more than one SO. Youth who choose not to go steady and date multiple people at a given time and enacting non-monogamy. A married couple who have agreed to having sex partners outside the relationship, but no romantic partners are practicing non-monogamy. Hell, technically those people running off behind their partner's back are practicing it too, just poorly.

For me personally I have had multiple relationships that were non-monogamous. Some were successful, others were not. I learned from all the experiences surely. And I feel that where I am at now non-monogamy is still a viable style that I could potentially practice. I have met mixed reactions from people when explaining to them my choice. Many assume I have sex with anyone I know, including them. Others are just disgusted because it does upset social norms. I recall that the person who was most vehemently against my lifestyle was a former friend of mine, she had herself cheated on 4 different partners. I feel it was jealously more than anything else that made her spiteful.

In short, monogamy exists, and it works for some people. But it is not the only or even the best relationship prototype to adhere to. And just as there are many different ways in which monogamy is practiced, so is non-monogamy.
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(no subject) [May. 21st, 2009|03:00 am]
A Husk and A Shell
Things that made me happy today:

Nice talk with the Starbuck who made my frap

Having a vanilla frap

Remembering to eat

Feeling good about my life choices after researching family farming

Found a lot of information on natural farm practices

Blackberry yoghurt
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(no subject) [May. 19th, 2009|12:05 pm]
A Husk and A Shell
Things makin' me happy the past few days:

making boxes and masks

Cam is my brudda and I love him

I paid off yet another card which means NONE of my credit cards have anything charged on them!

New bra that is very comfy and hugs my body good for workouts

My hair is not staining everything in a 4 foot radius from me

Things not so great:

UVU will not take SUU credit

The classes I want for the fall have a pre-rec I am taking this summer so I can't register for them yet. Hilarity ensues as I try to call the professors to get the prerec waved. Joy.

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(no subject) [May. 17th, 2009|12:12 am]
A Husk and A Shell
Things that made me happy the past few days:

Shaina talking to me

Kai and me getting along really well and being super playful

Cam coming home for the summer

Pain meds

Getting my hair redyed by a salon lady

My mom and me going swimming together every day

Belly dance practice

Kai's new hair cut looking so good

The fact that Kai's hair was 21 inches long before being cut and he let me take pictures of it!

Sad things:

Body pain, so much body pain

wearing things that show scars due to it being summer

UVU not taking my SUU hours, so me needing 6 more than before to be done

Paris mold melting a little
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(no subject) [May. 11th, 2009|01:35 am]
A Husk and A Shell
Happy things seven for the 10th of May 2009

Nothing made me happy today. Though my mother enjoyed the gift I got her. So that's good.
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(no subject) [May. 10th, 2009|04:35 am]
A Husk and A Shell
Happy thing 6 for May 9th, 2009:

I saw star trek with my partner.
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